I am a human bean

This is my blog of unmitigated randomness. I tend to talk about my brain and it’s issues a lot.

So consider this a trigger warning for some

Unintentional Silent Treatment

I was doing so good staying up to date here, and then…well.. errm … life and time got away from me. Not in a negative way though. I went on vacation at the beginning of the month and just sort of ended up swept up in day to dayness. It was a wonderful break from reality going to my favorite gaming convention with one of my favorite people, M. Played with awesome people who I only see once a year and as a bonus met some equally awesome new folks, which was sweet.

Other than that it has been too hot here to do much more than hide in air conditioned places and shield one’s self from the Fiery ball of hate known as the sun.

My birthday came and went with only a mild depression. I actually took part in a stage production that day and then went to the movies with Zed where I got a free Large Popcorn as a birthday promotion, so it was actually pretty good. Zed was sweet and got me some very thoughtful gifts, which was wholly unnecessary but who am I to deny my partner’s desire to celebrate my hatching date, heh.

Sluggish beyond belief

I recently purchased a series of Yoga lessons from the Daily Om & the Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred videos on Amazon. I am not overweight at this point, but my energy is completely down the toilet and I know this is due in part to my lack of physical activity.

It is such a catch 22. I have no energy. I would have energy if I started doing more physical stuff. I don’t have the energy to do the physical stuff. But I would have the energy if I would just do it. Ahhhhhhhh FACE PALM.

I also know that it does help my brain chem to get up off my ass, but honestly if I look at it that way it becomes demotivational. Believe me, I know how fucked up that is; doesn’t change the fact though.

So my focus is to regain energy, sleep better at night, improve stamina and gain strength. But the motivation is just non-existent and I’m really not sure how to get this kick started. Meh

Been doing OK

Sometimes being OK beats the alternative. I’ve had a number of pretty rough weeks in a row, a lot of high level anxiety and low level depression. It’s exhausting, but things have been fair to middl’in the past 5 days and dammit I’ll take it.

I went out with M on Friday, we had drinks and saw some Improv which was really nice. It been awhile since he and I had actually gone out. Saturday Zed and I went to see Jurassic World in the theater! I love dinosaurs, love them so hard. So I loved the movie, in spite of the fact it is pretty terrible. Sunday was spent being very low key and Monday I played pool with RN. (M’s missus)

Just having regular social activities and feeling basically OK has been a big feeling of relief from the previous weeks pains. Feeling pretty grateful for it really.

Some days get away from me

Friday wasn’t bad, Saturday was actually really good & Sunday was a really up and down experience. Monday found me in a sick pit of anxiety riddled depression and feeling physically ill. Tuesday I was still feeling pretty bad so worked from home and today I am so tired.

Touching back to Saturday. It was particularly good as I got to run a couple games at FREE RPG Day at one of our local game shops. It was so much fun, albeit exhausting. I also got to spend some time with M both publicly and privately.

I saw Ocean’s 8 with Z on Sunday, but then had a small accident during an intense make-out session that pretty much ruined the whole thing. Meh

TGIF I guess

What do you say when you are asked, “How are you today?” and you really aren’t bad, but just centered squarely in “eh, ok”? It seems to me that not bad / not great moods are lumped into the bad category. There are times, like today, when I am really just OK, it doesn’t mean more than that.

However am I mellow or low level depressed? I cannot always tell the difference.

Brain gears in neutral

Night out with Zed last night, we went and saw some live music which was a lot of fun. Only, I wish I’d brought ear plugs. Thankfully I only have half a day of work as I am definitely in a deep brain fog today. Doesn’t seem like coffee can even put a dent in it.

I have started tracking my moods using an app. I have always intended to do something like that, but having a phone app makes it a lot easier to both do and remember. Going on three days, but I am interested in seeing what long term data might reveal.

I have definitely been a strange place mentally the past couple weeks. I have so much to be grateful for and my brain has decided to be primarily depressed. However, in spite of the down turn, my libido is still spiking up. Quite an unusual space, oh well, could be worse. Has been worse.

random entry is random