Unintentional Silent Treatment

I was doing so good staying up to date here, and then…well.. errm … life and time got away from me. Not in a negative way though. I went on vacation at the beginning of the month and just sort of ended up swept up in day to dayness. It was a wonderful break from reality going to my favorite gaming convention with one of my favorite people, M. Played with awesome people who I only see once a year and as a bonus met some equally awesome new folks, which was sweet.

Other than that it has been too hot here to do much more than hide in air conditioned places and shield one’s self from the Fiery ball of hate known as the sun.

My birthday came and went with only a mild depression. I actually took part in a stage production that day and then went to the movies with Zed where I got a free Large Popcorn as a birthday promotion, so it was actually pretty good. Zed was sweet and got me some very thoughtful gifts, which was wholly unnecessary but who am I to deny my partner’s desire to celebrate my hatching date, heh.

Sluggish beyond belief

I recently purchased a series of Yoga lessons from the Daily Om & the Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred videos on Amazon. I am not overweight at this point, but my energy is completely down the toilet and I know this is due in part to my lack of physical activity.

It is such a catch 22. I have no energy. I would have energy if I started doing more physical stuff. I don’t have the energy to do the physical stuff. But I would have the energy if I would just do it. Ahhhhhhhh FACE PALM.

I also know that it does help my brain chem to get up off my ass, but honestly if I look at it that way it becomes demotivational. Believe me, I know how fucked up that is; doesn’t change the fact though.

So my focus is to regain energy, sleep better at night, improve stamina and gain strength. But the motivation is just non-existent and I’m really not sure how to get this kick started. Meh

Been doing OK

Sometimes being OK beats the alternative. I’ve had a number of pretty rough weeks in a row, a lot of high level anxiety and low level depression. It’s exhausting, but things have been fair to middl’in the past 5 days and dammit I’ll take it.

I went out with M on Friday, we had drinks and saw some Improv which was really nice. It been awhile since he and I had actually gone out. Saturday Zed and I went to see Jurassic World in the theater! I love dinosaurs, love them so hard. So I loved the movie, in spite of the fact it is pretty terrible. Sunday was spent being very low key and Monday I played pool with RN. (M’s missus)

Just having regular social activities and feeling basically OK has been a big feeling of relief from the previous weeks pains. Feeling pretty grateful for it really.

Some days get away from me

Friday wasn’t bad, Saturday was actually really good & Sunday was a really up and down experience. Monday found me in a sick pit of anxiety riddled depression and feeling physically ill. Tuesday I was still feeling pretty bad so worked from home and today I am so tired.

Touching back to Saturday. It was particularly good as I got to run a couple games at FREE RPG Day at one of our local game shops. It was so much fun, albeit exhausting. I also got to spend some time with M both publicly and privately.

I saw Ocean’s 8 with Z on Sunday, but then had a small accident during an intense make-out session that pretty much ruined the whole thing. Meh

TGIF I guess

What do you say when you are asked, “How are you today?” and you really aren’t bad, but just centered squarely in “eh, ok”? It seems to me that not bad / not great moods are lumped into the bad category. There are times, like today, when I am really just OK, it doesn’t mean more than that.

However am I mellow or low level depressed? I cannot always tell the difference.

Brain gears in neutral

Night out with Zed last night, we went and saw some live music which was a lot of fun. Only, I wish I’d brought ear plugs. Thankfully I only have half a day of work as I am definitely in a deep brain fog today. Doesn’t seem like coffee can even put a dent in it.

I have started tracking my moods using an app. I have always intended to do something like that, but having a phone app makes it a lot easier to both do and remember. Going on three days, but I am interested in seeing what long term data might reveal.

I have definitely been a strange place mentally the past couple weeks. I have so much to be grateful for and my brain has decided to be primarily depressed. However, in spite of the down turn, my libido is still spiking up. Quite an unusual space, oh well, could be worse. Has been worse.

random entry is random

Overwhelmed by activities

Have you ever had so much going on that you wanted to write about that you hit a wall of paralysis? There is so much you want to write, that you find yourself unable to write anything? I am finding myself in that place today as I am typing this.

SO I am going to do my best to encapsulate the past week / weekend and try not to worry too much about how messy my writing this gets. Tuesday night I went to a hockey game with M and his family, it was so much fun! As a bonus on the night I also got in a nice quicky with M before bed.

Wednesday I took some time for mental health. I got quite a bit done, including updating my hair color from that midnight blue with teal tips to an all over turquoise. I am still getting used to it, but I do love it.

Thursday I spent with Zed, we spent most of it fooling around which was awesome. We also started a new series on Netflix, but there was far more chill than Netflix going on. It feels particularly good to have my libido stirring back up. I always feel kind of absent when it dies down.

Friday was a night in doing very little. Saturday was lazy most the day but picked up Zed around 4pm. We ate fast food, drank vodka, watched some more television and had more sex.

Sunday morning more sexy shenanigans before getting ready for our game group coming over at noon. We had a fun one shot game with the gang, including M, our friend HG and his girlfriend. I am always filled with wonderful gratitude having both Zed and M hanging out together. After an hour long nap, not all together. (M and Zed aren’t that close.) We met up with M’s family for a dinner celebrating his eldest’s graduation. I can’t believe so much time has passed already.

Through out dinner, many times I found myself just listening to M and Zed talking, sharing anecdotes, and it filled me with joy. I also had a really nice time talking with Ren, M’s wife who is also a good friend of mine. So much good food and company.

It was such a great night, a great weekend.

Mermaid hair invisibility?

I find it highly interesting the more extreme my hair color becomes the less my coworkers want to look at me. As if somehow I’ve been transformed into a Gorgon that will turn them to stone.

Meanwhile I’ve had strangers from other departments compliment me.

I am still trying to get used to it as well. It is definitely a lot brighter than the midnight & teal I was sporting before.

Legal Blind Intimacy

Legal Blind Intimacy

There is something one really takes for granted when it comes to such activities from flirting to sex; eye contact. It goes without saying right? Glancing over the top of a glass to meet the eyes of the another across the table. Those looks filling the spaces between words. Looking deep into the eyes of your lovers while entwined, breath and gaze holding the world in silent heat.

Only, what if your partner physically cannot meet your gaze?
“Nystagmus is a vision condition in which the eyes make repetitive, uncontrolled movements. These movements often result in reduced vision and depth perception and can affect balance and coordination. These involuntary eye movements can occur from side to side, up and down, or in a circular pattern.” Referenced from Nystagmus The American Optometric Association. Now combine this condition with having no peripheral vision and a moderately severe myopia more commonly known as nearsightedness and friends, this is Zed’s condition.

Initially it is a bit unnerving to look into the eyes of someone whose eyes rarely if ever stop moving. I worried it would cause a disconnect within me not being able to make that kind of contact with him. In actuality it took almost no time at all to get over it. I still stare into those constantly searching orbs and see the man I love behind them. They are the most exquisite deep blue, like dark water but shot through with streaks of paler blue like stars; all set off by his dark hair and pale complexion. They are quite beautiful if not fully functional.

We won’t ever have those lingering gazes across the table. So instead we find other ways. Quite often this involves little touches, holding hands, or simple words and with those things I do not miss the eye contact. In fact I don’t really think about it. Yet now with Zed looking to date outside our relationship this comes to mind.

I hope he can find another woman who can overlook the fact he can’t meet her eyes. One who won’t mind the social queues he will miss due to his inability to read body language or expressions. May he meet a lady who can be generous with her understanding as well as with her body. Because in spite of those things he can’t do, there are so many things he can to make up for it. He is a fine man and so worth it.