Reflections and encouragement

I always thought that I would stand before the faceless name of justice.  Like some law unto myself, like a child of God again. And if rain brings winds of change Then let it rain on us forever

 For 36 years I lived ignorant of the truth behind the challenges that until that time controlled my fate. (I’m 40 now btw) My rage, my pain, my maniacal highs, my deranged high risk behavior, all my super charged emotions ran my life. Control through will and self control an illusion. I stumbled headlong blind through the maze of myself throwing me against the walls so often in shrieking frustration.    

Why can’t I be like everyone else?  It is not fair!  What did I do to deserve this? Why am I so broken? Why am so damaged? WHY, WHY, WHY!!!? Why can’t I be normal?

 Why is rain?  Why are some lady bugs red and others yellow? Why anything?  More importantly why does it matter?  Even if I had answers it wouldn’t change the facts.  It would not change my brain. It is not a bad thing to ask questions, but unless you ask the right questions not much can be gained.

How can I learn to pass through the pain with courage?  How can I manage my outbursts effectively?  How can I teach myself to look past the present situation and push through? Why not be positive?  Why beat myself up for what I cannot control?

I can’t be like everyone else, because no one is like everyone.  What is fair, but an egocentric notion of what the individual feels it is. It is rather subjective to a certain degree.  ‘Fairness’ is simply not applicable to why some people are wired the way they are.  I am not broken, I am not damaged.  What I am is complicated, contrary, and kaleidoscopic.  Would I really want to be ‘normal’?  Truth is no, I wouldn’t.  Hell, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

What I like is being able to organize my thoughts. What I like is being able to prevent certain ugly things from coming out of my head into someone else’s ears whenever humanly possible.  What I like is having people in my life who love me honestly and without condition in spite of all of my less than lovely parts.  What I like is that I am me in all my myriad of components, (still learning on the ‘love me’ part though).

 I am not perfect.

I am not always as good as I want to be (see above).

I am still learning, still working, still growing and thankfully still breathing.

And I will still be learning, working and growing  until I stop that last thing in the list.

 “With this line I’ll mark the past as a symbol of beginning. I have no doubt from what I’ve seen I have never wanted more.“

Lyrics from Solitude – VNV Nation

Thoughts on the end of the world

Anything is possible, however I find the probability of today being the last is rather unlikely. 

But just in case let me hug the sunshine, and kiss the breeze, take all my loved ones and give them a real or imaginary squeeze.  Let me call a challenge to chaos, dance a jig with destiny and bow low to the Reaper as he flashes his gapped tooth grin at me. 

Any day

Every day

could be your last

so live with passion, embrace the beauty of all days even when you hurt down deep into your bones. Grasp greedy for every moment and revel in the symphony of life’s glorious tones.

You’re doing it wrong

I’m sure I started this whole blogging on WP with a completely different direction in mind. It wasn’t going to be about anything relevant or revealing but some things take on a life of their own.

I’m feeling rather reticent today but in that paranoid “nobody wants to hear your bullshit shut the fuck up” kind of way. So I’m blabbing about it here.  This way I don’t feel as if I’m putting it upon anyone to “listen” after all you can stop reading any time walk away and I’d never know.

I’m trying to continuously play it cool that the stress of being given severance from my job of five years isn’t pulling me apart. You know I’m so stellar stable I can handle this no problem…yeah. I’m wearing the expected face but I’m so sad.  Yet I don’t feel like I am allowed to show it.

Plus usual stress like existing is wearing me a might thin. No complete breaks or anything I’m just so low. I think those things that I don’t want to think ya know.  The ones that say I’m nothing. Disappearing.  And no one cares. It sucks how real that can feel.

Oh well just another hurdle. Two more days and I won’t be going to that job anymore. One world is ending.  I am struggling to get a grip on the slippery optimism that a new better door will open.

Stand up

You will come to crossroads in your life where you will desire to change your self for the better.  That drive will often be inspired by other people or perhaps even things you want.

Successful changes can only hold true however if one of those people you are bettering yourself for is you. Without that keystone you do not have a foundation that will stand up to the tests of living.

Take inspiration where you can find it. Learn to accept who and what you are. Find beauty in the small things. Have courage. Know you are worth good things and happiness.

Embrace joy in all its forms

Ticket to ride

I have an odd sort of fantasy.  I wish I could share my brain with someone.  Open up my inner chaos for them to experience first hand. I want them to feel things as deeply and intensely as I do.  I want them to know all the wonder, confusion and doubt tied to feeling that way.

Like selling tickets to the maelstrom in my head.

Keep your heads, hands and feet inside the car at all times please.