“I always thought that I would stand before the faceless name of justice. Like some law unto myself, like a child of God again. And if rain brings winds of change Then let it rain on us forever”
For 36 years I lived ignorant of the truth behind the challenges that until that time controlled my fate. (I’m 40 now btw) My rage, my pain, my maniacal highs, my deranged high risk behavior, all my super charged emotions ran my life. Control through will and self control an illusion. I stumbled headlong blind through the maze of myself throwing me against the walls so often in shrieking frustration.
Why can’t I be like everyone else? It is not fair! What did I do to deserve this? Why am I so broken? Why am so damaged? WHY, WHY, WHY!!!? Why can’t I be normal?
Why is rain? Why are some lady bugs red and others yellow? Why anything? More importantly why does it matter? Even if I had answers it wouldn’t change the facts. It would not change my brain. It is not a bad thing to ask questions, but unless you ask the right questions not much can be gained.
How can I learn to pass through the pain with courage? How can I manage my outbursts effectively? How can I teach myself to look past the present situation and push through? Why not be positive? Why beat myself up for what I cannot control?
I can’t be like everyone else, because no one is like everyone. What is fair, but an egocentric notion of what the individual feels it is. It is rather subjective to a certain degree. ‘Fairness’ is simply not applicable to why some people are wired the way they are. I am not broken, I am not damaged. What I am is complicated, contrary, and kaleidoscopic. Would I really want to be ‘normal’? Truth is no, I wouldn’t. Hell, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
What I like is being able to organize my thoughts. What I like is being able to prevent certain ugly things from coming out of my head into someone else’s ears whenever humanly possible. What I like is having people in my life who love me honestly and without condition in spite of all of my less than lovely parts. What I like is that I am me in all my myriad of components, (still learning on the ‘love me’ part though).
I am not perfect.
I am not always as good as I want to be (see above).
I am still learning, still working, still growing and thankfully still breathing.
And I will still be learning, working and growing until I stop that last thing in the list.
“With this line I’ll mark the past as a symbol of beginning. I have no doubt from what I’ve seen I have never wanted more.“
Lyrics from Solitude – VNV Nation