Let me introduce you to Tiny t


She is a tad shy when not cavorting in her own little home space.  But this wee doodle is one of the many keys I use to battle my own brain.

It really is the small things that bring me daily victories. No matter how teensy a win is a win.

It will always serve you to cherish each and everyone.

Just some of my thoughts

I do not accept my depression when it occurs.  As I am biploar the “down side” is only a singular aspect of my kaleidescopic emotional world. I generally fight my depression with myriad of tools I have learned over the years. 

Oh it can’t be avoided of course, the pain, but it can be distracted from & detracted from. I tend towards a flighty attention span so find I can distract sometimes for hours.  I can also refuse to wallow and sink into the pain by reaching out to friends, exercising, writing, drawing, reading; I can detract from its affect. Does it always work, no. But is it worth it for me to try and struggle against it, always.

Thing is, when I come out the other side I am left with fresh layers of gratitude at what a really great life I have.
The despair, the overwhelming sense of bleak lonliness, the crippling sense of loss,the flooding waves if pain; these are all aspects if my depression phase. They are fragments of my rich, diverse and complicated emotional framework. 

I experience  life in a way most people will never comprehend, could never imagine. It is not good or bad, it simply is.

But no single piece is me for I myself am no single piece.

I am living, not surviving and inspite of my set backs I am fully functional.

Does saying “no to drugs” mean I don’t want to “get” better ?

Something that sets upon me from time to time is the idea that by not seeking meds I don’t want to get well…

I have always promised myself that as long as my ratio of functionality outweighs the not, I would never seek medication for the state of my brain. I live in abject fear of ever having to find a trustworthy doctor. Not to mention submitting to the lab rat phase; having a rainbow of pills to take and try and fail and try some more.  Truly scares the ever loving hell out of me.


I don’t feel I need to get better, I’m not sick. I do feel the need to stay aware, watchful of myself and healthy so as to avoid making my erratic chemistry even more so.

I know it can become necessary to seek better living through pharmaceuticals.  To those who endure the docs and cocktails I hope you realize how brave you are.

I just keep working my little mantras of function and pray to the oblivious universe that I never have to try and be that brave.


So easily taken for granted. The drawing of air into lungs. That is until your lungs don’t work as they should.

Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating. Its a truly terrible feeling not being able to catch ones breath.