Let me introduce you to Tiny t

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She is a tad shy when not cavorting in her own little home space.  But this wee doodle is one of the many keys I use to battle my own brain.

It really is the small things that bring me daily victories. No matter how teensy a win is a win.

It will always serve you to cherish each and everyone.

Just some of my thoughts

I do not accept my depression when it occurs.  As I am biploar the “down side” is only a singular aspect of my kaleidescopic emotional world. I generally fight my depression with myriad of tools I have learned over the years. 

Oh it can’t be avoided of course, the pain, but it can be distracted from & detracted from. I tend towards a flighty attention span so find I can distract sometimes for hours.  I can also refuse to wallow and sink into the pain by reaching out to friends, exercising, writing, drawing, reading; I can detract from its affect. Does it always work, no. But is it worth it for me to try and struggle against it, always.

Thing is, when I come out the other side I am left with fresh layers of gratitude at what a really great life I have.
The despair, the overwhelming sense of bleak lonliness, the crippling sense of loss,the flooding waves if pain; these are all aspects if my depression phase. They are fragments of my rich, diverse and complicated emotional framework. 

I experience  life in a way most people will never comprehend, could never imagine. It is not good or bad, it simply is.

But no single piece is me for I myself am no single piece.

I am living, not surviving and inspite of my set backs I am fully functional.

Does saying “no to drugs” mean I don’t want to “get” better ?

Something that sets upon me from time to time is the idea that by not seeking meds I don’t want to get well…

I have always promised myself that as long as my ratio of functionality outweighs the not, I would never seek medication for the state of my brain. I live in abject fear of ever having to find a trustworthy doctor. Not to mention submitting to the lab rat phase; having a rainbow of pills to take and try and fail and try some more.  Truly scares the ever loving hell out of me.

o.o

I don’t feel I need to get better, I’m not sick. I do feel the need to stay aware, watchful of myself and healthy so as to avoid making my erratic chemistry even more so.

I know it can become necessary to seek better living through pharmaceuticals.  To those who endure the docs and cocktails I hope you realize how brave you are.

I just keep working my little mantras of function and pray to the oblivious universe that I never have to try and be that brave.

Breath

So easily taken for granted. The drawing of air into lungs. That is until your lungs don’t work as they should.

Sometimes I feel like I am suffocating. Its a truly terrible feeling not being able to catch ones breath.