I know that my unique personality function is more than likely due to something pretty seriously fucked up that irreparably broke my childhood.
Would remembering the exact grisly details really repair anything?
There are time the overly analytical part just wants to dig deep and hard into the dark holes of my childhood memories. I honestly do not believe any good could come of it.
I have a really amazing ability to retain info. I possess a truly excellent memory. Thus I believe those cavernous gaps from 4 yrs to 9 are that way for a reason.
And I don’t really have a problem with my personas being “as is”. Though I do sometimes envy people who have a firm sense of a singular identity.
Most of my struggle is separate from my odd identity situation and lies in the bipolar part.
Chemistry is a bitch.
I bought one of those toy constellation night lights in the shape of a turtle the other day. Yeah you know the ones for infants, stares, what of it? Anyway it fills my room at bedtime with a marvelous array of child like shapes like one might find in a bowl of chicken and stars soup. Only bigger. They can be green or amber or my favorite a serene shade of blue.
Tonight as I prepare for bed I feel as I sometimes do as if my heart is absolutely breaking. Rending me from within like a fist sized hand grenade of brain juices exploding in my head, shredding all soft tissue. I am weeping. I hurt. Third verse same as the first.
So I turn on my nightlight and my small persona, tiny t says…
“Don’t cry Tee, we have stars. How can you cry when we have stars?”
Its so childish. Its so sweet. I reach for what gives me comfort, my knit frog hat, my stuffy grouchy lady bug and Jeero my hero ugly doll.
I lay staring up at the star patterns on the ceiling feeling my eyes growing heavy. Makes the ceiling look like a great big fuzzy blanket.
I don’t care how crazy I sound here in my blog.
My new watch for tracking time on my morning bike rides.
I am a child.
I am also particularly weepy today, fucking hormones.
Working from home has lots of benefits. One being monsters keeping me company. And working in my pjs
Seems my personality rifts are becoming more; noticeable, notable, defined. I don’t know which word is the most appropriate. The out loud conversations are a more common occurrence now. Not in public or anything just when I am alone.
The idea is a multiple “I”. We is me. Me is a multitude but not separate. Its all so strange when spoken or written down. Seems perfectly natural on the inside.
There has been some dissension among the we that is me lately. Perhaps that is what has made it more prevalent. (Thank you spell check for the correct spelling)
I am not in agreement with what some of me has been feeling and its a bit frustrating. Course frustration in my life is not news.
Anyway this is more of just an observation and a bit of venting. You know mad woman railing at the sky. Or actually railing at herself face turned to the sky is more likely.
I’ve been considering setting up pod cast. Nothing to fancy just a little audio of my writing snippets and maybe short stories. I’m looking into it.
I went around cleaning up a couple old blogs I don’t use, well haven’t used in a long time. I still couldn’t figure out how to delete Blogspot blogs in the new format they have. So I just made all the posts drafts. The blogs are now empty. Not sure why I felt the need. I just did.
I also shut auto pay off on my “art” website. So I won’t have the domain name after Feb 2014. I don’t care I don’t use it anymore anyway. Just another failed venture really.
Though if anyone wants to see some of my work its
Pretty much all for now.
I miss the days that meant something more than hot weather. When it was 3 months of freedom, trips to the reservoir, or the mountains and family vacations.
I am not going to have any get away vacations this year unless I manage a trip home for Christmas. My unemployment at the beginning of the year sorta jacked that all up. Plus being a contractor now I don’t get paid time off.
I miss the excitement I used to feel for the summer months. Now I sort of look upon them with resignation. Time is just passing so fast.