Living is effort

And I have heard it said anything worth doing is effort.

So I surmise and agree with my own summation that living is worth doing.

I don’t always feel like it. But I so believe it is worth it.

Pretty little lies

For some people, like me, you get to a certain age and realize there really isn’t Someone for Everyone, unless that someone is your self.

But the commonplace portrayal of the statement suggests another person and that is simply not true.  It is one of those pretty little lies we tell to sad, lonely people because we like to think it helps.

It doesn’t

This was just banging around my head,needed to kick it out so I can go to bed.

Things I do to try and feel them

Sometimes, I send friends, well one friend in particular more often then not, upbeat messages. Even when I absolutely do not feel them or should I even say especially when I don’t.

I say encouraging things, even though truth to tell, he doesn’t need such things from me. I send reminders to be patient and watch for beautiful things, etc.

There are a number of reasons I do this.  One is because I do want my friend to be aware and be lifted. But I am the one who actually needs the reminder, so it is in part for me. I also do it to hide what’s really going on with me; the insecurities, the pain, and the sheer hopelessness I so often feel.
A bit self serving I guess. Makes me wonder if I should stop? After all it is a farce, just a cheery mask.

But I think it would hurt an awful lot if I did stop and my friend didn’t notice or care

So I continue to do it, even when there are days and days of nonresponse and I suspect those messages really just don’t matter.

Taut

I’ve been noticing lately I’ve been sleeping with my fists clenched.  That is to say I wake up with aching hands that I have to consciously relax from their tensed clutching shape.

I have been down with spikes of up lately, just the usual really.  But I guess I’ve been saving up some special stress or fears or some such thing for when I’m asleep.

The nightmares are also pretty notable but not unique.

But the fighting hands, that’s new.