Dear World sometimes you suck

On Saturday my Dad was taken off life support. We let him go as was his wishes.

I was not…am not… ready for him to be gone.

But it does not matter because he is gone all the same.

I love my Pop. I will always love him.

And fuck I miss him
dammit

I will not drown in this. I can not, it would make Dad unhappy.  

I just cant believe I will never hear him laugh again or be silly or…  well anything.

Not sure which is worse

The non objective sense of a depressive down swing, or something happening to actually be sad about.  I understand the necessity of emotional range, but right now both suck.

I’ve been in a bit of a slump of ongoing depression the past few months. Chemistry has just been in a funk.

On Tuesday, my Dad was struck by Jeep while riding his motorcycle.  He survived, but it’s bad.  A lot of broken bones and a brain surgery due to what they believe was a clot caused by the trauma.  I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn’t been wearing his helmet.  Anyway it’s been hell of a stressor and in combination with my already lingering low; I’m just flat out exhausted.

I am clinging to my little things and trying my very best to keep a positive lean to my thoughts.

The moral support of my friends has been something I can’t be thankful enough for.

No reason, none what so ever

That I should feel so fucking tired.

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately.  So much so I’ve gone and screwed up my back. Body aches from too much time abed. But here I am struggling not to cry over ‘nothing’ and yawning and yawning and yawning.

I feel so very very heavy like my lungs are wrapped in a sodden blanket and a gargantuan frog is sitting on my chest. I imagine its a frog because frog’s don’t generally have teeth.  It would suck if it were a giant pacman frog though, they do have teeth, but only on their bottom jaw.  It’s weird.

Angst

Seems to be the word of the month this October.

sigh

I just can’t seem to find any satisfactory peace of mind with anything I do.    Nothing I say comes out right.  I feel uncomfortable in the suffocating confines of my own skin.

I’m ready for this to be done, and on to something else.

Slight Elevation – Beginning to Breath Again

The past month maybe two even have been a series of lows punctuated by jumps of mania, then slumping back.  I’ve been exhausted and admittedly spending a little too much time self medicating; alcohol and shopping.  I’ve managed to curb both lately, but this week has been a nightmare of brain pain spiking.

It has felt like I haven’t been able to catch a full breath.  Plus even with a recent surplus of sleep I’m still a fucking mess. There is this sort of furious fervor that takes hold, a kind of anxious hurried almost panic like quality that sets in and it makes everything so much harder.  Especially in those instances where I don’t have enough to do, or my tasks are so monotonous that I am stuck with only one center of focus. My mind leaps, jumps, scratches and tears at itself.

Anyway I can actually tell that today may not be so much like that.  I can feel the pressure off the back of my neck, less tension at the base of my head.  It is almost a physical sensation of release.

And I can breath. So here is to hoping that is a continuing trend.

Socially unacceptable responses to “How are you doing?”

  • “My brain is so loud I am almost deafened to everything else. Could you repeat the question?”
  • “The world is moving so fast I feel like any moment I’m going to be flung out into space where my lungs will explode for lack of oxygen”
  • “Most of me hates the rest of me and my inner monologue is a series of death threats”
  • “I woke from a dream this morning and burst into tears.”
  • “Let’s not talk about it, just hug me as hard as you can.”
  • “My infectious thoughts are chewing holes in my self esteem”
  • “The chemical cesspool in my head is polluting the rest of me”
  • “I feel like I’m drowning”

Acceptable Response:

“I’m fine. How are you?”