On Saturday my Dad was taken off life support. We let him go as was his wishes.
I was not…am not… ready for him to be gone.
But it does not matter because he is gone all the same.
I love my Pop. I will always love him.
And fuck I miss him
I will not drown in this. I can not, it would make Dad unhappy.
I just cant believe I will never hear him laugh again or be silly or… well anything.
The non objective sense of a depressive down swing, or something happening to actually be sad about. I understand the necessity of emotional range, but right now both suck.
I’ve been in a bit of a slump of ongoing depression the past few months. Chemistry has just been in a funk.
On Tuesday, my Dad was struck by Jeep while riding his motorcycle. He survived, but it’s bad. A lot of broken bones and a brain surgery due to what they believe was a clot caused by the trauma. I shudder to think what would have happened if he hadn’t been wearing his helmet. Anyway it’s been hell of a stressor and in combination with my already lingering low; I’m just flat out exhausted.
I am clinging to my little things and trying my very best to keep a positive lean to my thoughts.
The moral support of my friends has been something I can’t be thankful enough for.
About all the ways I’m a disappointment
Are keeping me up at the moment.
Fuck you brain
That I should feel so fucking tired.
I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. So much so I’ve gone and screwed up my back. Body aches from too much time abed. But here I am struggling not to cry over ‘nothing’ and yawning and yawning and yawning.
I feel so very very heavy like my lungs are wrapped in a sodden blanket and a gargantuan frog is sitting on my chest. I imagine its a frog because frog’s don’t generally have teeth. It would suck if it were a giant pacman frog though, they do have teeth, but only on their bottom jaw. It’s weird.
Seems to be the word of the month this October.
I just can’t seem to find any satisfactory peace of mind with anything I do. Nothing I say comes out right. I feel uncomfortable in the suffocating confines of my own skin.
I’m ready for this to be done, and on to something else.
The past month maybe two even have been a series of lows punctuated by jumps of mania, then slumping back. I’ve been exhausted and admittedly spending a little too much time self medicating; alcohol and shopping. I’ve managed to curb both lately, but this week has been a nightmare of brain pain spiking.
It has felt like I haven’t been able to catch a full breath. Plus even with a recent surplus of sleep I’m still a fucking mess. There is this sort of furious fervor that takes hold, a kind of anxious hurried almost panic like quality that sets in and it makes everything so much harder. Especially in those instances where I don’t have enough to do, or my tasks are so monotonous that I am stuck with only one center of focus. My mind leaps, jumps, scratches and tears at itself.
Anyway I can actually tell that today may not be so much like that. I can feel the pressure off the back of my neck, less tension at the base of my head. It is almost a physical sensation of release.
And I can breath. So here is to hoping that is a continuing trend.