So I am seeing Zed a whole lot in the next few days; this evening, tomorrow night/Friday morning, and again Saturday night. We have dancing/hotel plans for New Years and a double date with friends of his on Saturday. I haven’t had this full a schedule since, well, possibly ever.
I am however, really excited and happily anticipating the time spent. As this is on my mind a bunch I am going to write a bit more random stuff about my crush.
I’ve noticed that when I spend longer than a minute thinking about him or remembering something he said or did; I idly chew the side of my thumb. I have no idea why, but every time I catch myself at it, I burst into an utterly idiotic grin.
The idiotic grin seems to be a common reaction as well; pretty much occurring whenever he messages me or anyone asks me about him. I’m pretty sure it also appears a lot when I am with him too; though I am a little less aware of it then.
I realize that all this could end in a moment but right now that simply does not matter. It is SO worth it for what I’m experiencing and have felt the past few weeks.
edit: I know life is not a John Hughes movie, probably better than anyone. But sometimes it’s fun to pretend. queue Pretty in Pink soundtrack.
There is an amorphous time suspended feeling to the week between Christmas and New Years. It is like the anticipatory wait of the old year to shed into the new.
I am often nostalgic this time of year, but for some reason that is not proving the case this time. Perhaps it is the busyness I have found myself immersed in; a delightful busyness mind you; time between friends and my crush, Zed. Who has time to be nostalgic?
For this I am grateful, my head is already abuzz with the cacophony that is (a thankfully mild so far) mania. And what with the losses of the past few months, I’m not really in a place to start dredging.
I know I will never be what society deems a ‘normal’ person. I will always have certain challenges due to my conditions. However, life without challenge is a fallow field; unused potential. I am giving myself permission to continue to rise to those challenges the best I can. I also give myself the freedom of fucking it up and failing. Just as long as I rise up and try again.
It will be a new year soon and I for one am ready. I hope 2016 brings you all the best even in the worst of moments!
So I have a HUGE crush on Zed. Which I’ve already mentioned, I’m sure at least twice if not more. So I have decided that since he is quite present in my mind at the moment I would take a little time to write about it.
One thing I’ve noticed is that I tend to stare at him, even when other people are talking. (I have to remind myself for politeness sake to look at the person talking. Normally that is not an issue, as I have a serious ‘be polite’ compulsion.) It is as if I want to soak up his every reaction and don’t want to miss a thing.
On Saturday while out with his friends, my first time meeting them, he caught me staring a couple times. Even when caught I couldn’t look away! He made it especially impossible by giving me that sexy little one sided grin and saying it looked like we had entered into an accidental staring contest.
After the second time being caught, it occurred to me just how much I’d been gawking at him and if I noticed; well I’m sure his friends must have. (doh) For fuck sake I’m over 40, this is not the usual sort of interaction for me, but do not for one minute think I’m complaining. I am just sort of marveling it all and hoping I didn’t make a poor impression on his friends.
I haven’t been sleeping well for past four or five nights. Not that my brain seems to give a fig about it. Apparently it thinks we are perfectly functionally awake, meanwhile my body is cursing every moment of sleeplessness. I wake feeling as if I have been running to stand still and everything is sort of vaguely surreal around me.
This is Situation Normal All Fucked up; so it’s not like it’s something I’m not used to. However, it is usually a hint at a possible tank or spike. (I.E. tanking into depression or spiking into irritable mania.) Though it is also possible I will even back out; hard to say.
The particularly sucky part is I get super fucking clutzy when I’m sleep deprived like this. It’s like my hands get kinda non committal about picking stuff up and my elbows feel like they are almost floating. So I drop and spill shit which in turn makes me unreasonably irritated. weeee
Well things will do what they will do. I’ll just keep heading on through.
I spent Wed, Thur and Friday with my Best Friend and his amazing family. They make me feel so at home, they are part of my tribe, family just not by blood.
We spent Wednesday evening driving around looking at Christmas lights and stopped for frozen yogurt. When you live in Southern US that is perfectly normal. Thursday we started a Star Wars marathon of the original films. (No I still haven’t seen the new one, been too busy being social!!! crazy) Friday around noon was gift exchanges and finishing up the marathon.
Saturday I spent the evening with Z, meeting some of his friends and having a fine night out. I was a bit self conscious around them, being my first time making their acquaintance. It wasn’t too bad though, and Z was kindly present without even realizing it. I also had my first experience with Lyft, it was pretty cool.
I stayed over with Z and had a really amazing time. I will kiss and tell to the extent of saying yes, there was much kissing. Also there was other things that I really want to do with him again and again. Sunday we went out for breakfast and then watched the pilot episode of Ash v.s.the Evil Dead (which was awesome).
It was a super amazing 5 days with some super amazing people. I am definitely ‘socially hung over’ ; but it was all so worth it.
Zed had to cancel our date today; after being told he may have strep throat. So it wasn’t frivolous but of course my brain latched on to all the crazy stupid stuff it normally does. “He isn’t sick but does not want to see me.” Etc…
Luckily I was able to talk myself down fairly quickly.
Now its just a little bummer as I won’t get to see him until the weekend.
Of course I’ll live. LOL
It becomes a little unnerving when one has multiple good weeks in a row. It is almost as if somewhere in the wings my brain is stockpiling the darkness that will inevitably hit in the next low cycle.
I am not trying to be a pessimist, I promise! But I just hope this upswing keeps on awhile longer.
I had such a good weekend starting with my date on Friday with my Crush, (from here out I’ll refer to as Zed). As I hope to be referring to him often. So cheers to a bit of hope. Dinner, making out and a movie; hm yes a well rounded evening.
Saturday I went out with my Best Friend to a Nerd Holiday Party which was so much awesome it could barely be contained in one house. Love the people I know, they are such good folks. DIY tin can robot kit from the white elephant exchange. I can’t wait to try it out.
Sunday was very lazy with a bout of house cleaning and laundry! I finally managed to put all my clean clothes away. Plus make the bed!!! I also did some gaming with my BF, it was his birthday!
I was supposed to see Zed again today, unfortunately that is sort of up in the air as he woke up with a nasty sore throat barely able to talk. So will see, but probably won’t see him until the weekend if he is contagious. (darn it, but I’m starting to get better at this delayed gratification thing. sort of)
Anyway this was a whole lot of sorta nothing blab from me, but it feels good to write it.
Be well all.