I have been experiencing a high volume of mania as of late. Last week was especially spikey. Talk about poor timing, I had volunteered to help with a local conference and was called on to be highly social. Not to mention I was on a panel to talk about Neurodiversity. In spite of my mad brain chem, it all turned out very well. I made some new friends and just generally had a blast.
However due to such high volume busyness I have not seen Zed in over a week!!! I am totally going through withdrawal. Thankfully we are seeing a concert on Thursday and spending most the long weekend together.
I have also come to the decision to trade in/ buy a new car. It was hard as I am one of those weirdos who not only names their auto but develops a sort of attachment to them. I have a curious relationship with the inanimate. lol So I am feeling some sorrow at the loss of one of my “family members”. Hank, has been an awesome car. It is just good timing for me to get something without 80+thousand miles and working air conditioning.
So some change on the horizon, and I am sure I will have some sort of reaction to that. But otherwise mostly good stuff going on. Thankfully this incredibly mad busy month of May is winding down.
Last night’s open mic was really wonderful. Many people displayed their talents for music or poetry, while others like myself spoke the truth of our conditions and equally of our lives.
At the front of the room, mic in hand I told of that which I must manage, but proudly I spoke of my efforts to do so. I proclaimed loudly that I would not be ashamed of the challenges I live with. I refuse. I simply will not. I may not have control of my emotions, or of my shifting persona’s but I can work through them. I can decide how I will react them and not harm others with my pain.
I saw a number of my Improv community friends and Zed sat in the audience for me; all this made me very happy. It was a safe space and for that I am grateful.
I am part of an Open Mic tonight specifically geared toward Mental Illness awareness. I will step up in front of a group of strangers and at least one friend (Zed is coming with) and speak candidly about my challenges.
Tonight, I will talk about what it is like to live with mild syneshesia, bipolar 2, and borderline personality disorder. I hope I do it all justice.
I have decided that it is just best for me not to go to Tuesday night trivia with Zed. Or if I do, leave before the actual contest begins. I just can’t seem to nail down a decent coping mechanism for dealing with this activity. I just end up feeling even more alienated than ever.
I will stick with the monthly Happy Hour gatherings to visit with his friends, which kind of sucks because I do enjoy their company. Sometimes I fail, it is simple as that, and it really is OK. I forgot that for awhile.
This week has been a bit of a roller coaster. I am trying to settle into my new job’s rhythm and I like that I am busy but it is taking some getting used too. I have also not been sleeping terribly well and generally drinking too much; in that I have been having alcohol in some form almost everyday.
My personal life has also been busy, my friend Bee asked me to hangout with her daughter on Monday to help cheer her up with all the hell going on in their lives. Tuesday I was depressed and exhausted so I stayed home. I had intended to go to trivia night with Zed, whom I have not seen at all this week, but I was such ill company I couldn’t do it. Wednesday was a late evening meeting to go over details of a convention I am helping with. Thursday I had my day in court over my house appraisal; though I did get to spend some time gaming with Zed. Today I am going to spend the evening with Zed (finally), but his dad is in town, so no ‘alone’ time. (insert pouty face)
Touching back to the alcohol thing; I realize that my drinking has been a big stumbling block in my attempts at losing this lousy 15 pounds that has been clinging to my ass (basically literally) the past two years. I am making a deal with myself to quite for awhile as I attempt to get back into better shape. I have taken on a daily workout challenge with M; its a core/thighs/ass routine. Today was day three, my thighs are killing me. Which hopefully means I’m on the way to killer thighs, ha. I am still counting ‘ye auld calories’ and I ordered a new bathroom scale.
I have been struggling with depression quite a bit this week, and almost had a full blown anxiety attack while waiting to meet with the appraiser about my taxes. I know there was nothing actually be ‘ate up’ over but the fear was almost enough to send me into flight response. I managed, and got it over with, so a win. I also got my appraisal adjusted a little, but home sales in my area are just stupid high right now.
This post is kind of long, so what the hell let me add this. I want to try and dress prettier, do something for myself to help boost my self image. I am definitely drawn to the retro styles, as I am basically hourglass shaped many 40’s and 50’s styles look very nice on me. I also want to learn to dress up my hair in pin curls or finger waves. Just some things to think about as I work at improving my outlook. I have also got to keep my indigo purple hair as I am still working with the same company albeit in a different role and dept. They do not seem to care one wit what color my hair is.
So things are now smooth, but nor are they particularly rough. Just life I suppose. I hope all of you are doing well.
Sorry for the absence. Being unemployed has a tendency to to put me off any form of schedule and I found myself bereft of any desire to write during that time. I am back to work now, for the same company in a new role, which is actually quite a positive change.
I am still seeing Zed on a pretty regular basis, sharing meals, attending concerts and movies; it is still very much a joy to spend time with him. I can’t believe 5 months have passed since he and I met.
My friend Bee is having a really hard time with her future ex and I wish there was more that I could, but matter of fact is that there just isn’t.
I fell out of the gym habit during my 3weeks “off” and am doing my best to get back into good habits. I am still trying to lose this stubborn 10 pounds.
Not too much else to report at the moment. I am incredibly tired today and not feeling very sociable. I hope today passes both smoothly and quickly.