Things have been a lot like Mr.Toad’s Wild Ride around my life over the past three months since I last posted. I have a permanent placement with my job now, which is awesome. I am still dating Zed who is wonderful. There are still plenty of good things happening. But the month of September was stressful with the job stuff pending and October, well October was awful.
A year ago in October I lost my Dad to an auto related accident, which I’m sure I wrote about here then. He was on a motorcycle and due to the accident died of his injuries after a week of hospitalization and surgeries. Anyway I am not good at grieving, I don’t know if anyone really ever is. So this October rolled around, the one year anniversary and it honestly felt like I was reliving the experience. I cried a lot and often the entire month. I now realize and secretly knew all along, I needed to come to terms with my grief. It is ok to feel the loss, to cry , to miss the person. It is ok to not be fucking stoic. I honestly had to break down and give myself permission to stop holding it in. I am doing a lot better now, but unfortunately my once favorite month is currently on my shit list.
This month has also started rocky, as I have a many friends who are non binary. Folks who are trans, gay, bi, living in triads, people of color, and every unique configuration of person you can imagine and I love every fucking one of them dearly. So empathizing with their sorrow, fear and rage has definitely stressed me out. I finally just had to shut off my social media for three days and take a trip to the beach.
The coast trip was long overdue and I went with my other partner M’s Missus. She is awesome and seriously one of the best beach buddies a person could ask for. My other friend B who I normally hit the coast with has a lot of negative madness going on with her now ex-husband and kids situation. So she couldn’t make it. I am also sad for her.
So much turmoil in the lives of those I hold dear, and I just feel weak and helpless. It will get better, I know. I will find ways to help however I can and move forward. Just right now it’s all still pretty raw. Three days on the water’s edge did help however. I am going to tap those memories often to find some zen going forward.
I have been contemplating doing a YouTube channel, not sure if I’ll follow through though. Maybe we’ll see. I am going to try and start keeping up with things here again too. It felt good when I was writing more often.
I hope you are all well, blessed be. Onward and Upward.