Brain gears in neutral

Night out with Zed last night, we went and saw some live music which was a lot of fun. Only, I wish I’d brought ear plugs. Thankfully I only have half a day of work as I am definitely in a deep brain fog today. Doesn’t seem like coffee can even put a dent in it.

I have started tracking my moods using an app. I have always intended to do something like that, but having a phone app makes it a lot easier to both do and remember. Going on three days, but I am interested in seeing what long term data might reveal.

I have definitely been a strange place mentally the past couple weeks. I have so much to be grateful for and my brain has decided to be primarily depressed. However, in spite of the down turn, my libido is still spiking up. Quite an unusual space, oh well, could be worse. Has been worse.

random entry is random

Overwhelmed by activities

Have you ever had so much going on that you wanted to write about that you hit a wall of paralysis? There is so much you want to write, that you find yourself unable to write anything? I am finding myself in that place today as I am typing this.

SO I am going to do my best to encapsulate the past week / weekend and try not to worry too much about how messy my writing this gets. Tuesday night I went to a hockey game with M and his family, it was so much fun! As a bonus on the night I also got in a nice quicky with M before bed.

Wednesday I took some time for mental health. I got quite a bit done, including updating my hair color from that midnight blue with teal tips to an all over turquoise. I am still getting used to it, but I do love it.

Thursday I spent with Zed, we spent most of it fooling around which was awesome. We also started a new series on Netflix, but there was far more chill than Netflix going on. It feels particularly good to have my libido stirring back up. I always feel kind of absent when it dies down.

Friday was a night in doing very little. Saturday was lazy most the day but picked up Zed around 4pm. We ate fast food, drank vodka, watched some more television and had more sex.

Sunday morning more sexy shenanigans before getting ready for our game group coming over at noon. We had a fun one shot game with the gang, including M, our friend HG and his girlfriend. I am always filled with wonderful gratitude having both Zed and M hanging out together. After an hour long nap, not all together. (M and Zed aren’t that close.) We met up with M’s family for a dinner celebrating his eldest’s graduation. I can’t believe so much time has passed already.

Through out dinner, many times I found myself just listening to M and Zed talking, sharing anecdotes, and it filled me with joy. I also had a really nice time talking with Ren, M’s wife who is also a good friend of mine. So much good food and company.

It was such a great night, a great weekend.

Legal Blind Intimacy

Legal Blind Intimacy

There is something one really takes for granted when it comes to such activities from flirting to sex; eye contact. It goes without saying right? Glancing over the top of a glass to meet the eyes of the another across the table. Those looks filling the spaces between words. Looking deep into the eyes of your lovers while entwined, breath and gaze holding the world in silent heat.

Only, what if your partner physically cannot meet your gaze?
“Nystagmus is a vision condition in which the eyes make repetitive, uncontrolled movements. These movements often result in reduced vision and depth perception and can affect balance and coordination. These involuntary eye movements can occur from side to side, up and down, or in a circular pattern.” Referenced from Nystagmus The American Optometric Association. Now combine this condition with having no peripheral vision and a moderately severe myopia more commonly known as nearsightedness and friends, this is Zed’s condition.

Initially it is a bit unnerving to look into the eyes of someone whose eyes rarely if ever stop moving. I worried it would cause a disconnect within me not being able to make that kind of contact with him. In actuality it took almost no time at all to get over it. I still stare into those constantly searching orbs and see the man I love behind them. They are the most exquisite deep blue, like dark water but shot through with streaks of paler blue like stars; all set off by his dark hair and pale complexion. They are quite beautiful if not fully functional.

We won’t ever have those lingering gazes across the table. So instead we find other ways. Quite often this involves little touches, holding hands, or simple words and with those things I do not miss the eye contact. In fact I don’t really think about it. Yet now with Zed looking to date outside our relationship this comes to mind.

I hope he can find another woman who can overlook the fact he can’t meet her eyes. One who won’t mind the social queues he will miss due to his inability to read body language or expressions. May he meet a lady who can be generous with her understanding as well as with her body. Because in spite of those things he can’t do, there are so many things he can to make up for it. He is a fine man and so worth it.

The weekend that wasn’t quite

Friday was wonderful, a really great night spent with Zed. We had Indian food for dinner and saw a movie. We also had some really great snuggles and talk.

The bummer started Saturday.
M got sick, so he had to cancel on our dancing date. Zed offered to meet me at the venue, but by that point I had tilted so hard & just wanted to stay home. It was particularly depressing as I had prepaid for tickets and of course they were non refundable or transferable. Oh well. So I stayed home, drank & watched horror movies.

Zed and I had another miscommunication on Saturday. I often ask him to text me when he gets home. Because Zed is visually impaired I tend to worry about him out and about; so I only ask him to tell me so I know he made it home ok. It doesn’t matter what time, I am not keeping tabs on him. However, if he tells me he is leaving soon and 2.5 hours go by without hearing from him it stresses me the fuck out.

The problem is having an expectation without the follow through. I get that he lost track of time, which is why it is just better if he doesn’t set expectations like that. Like I said, when he gets home is irrelevant just that he makes it home safe. So we had a phone call when he got home, but it was actually very positive conversation.

Sunday I only left the house once to pick up my grocery order. Zed and I chatted via text off and on all day and it was really nice. It’s been awhile since our daily chats were so sweet.

So the weekend wasn’t what was planned for but life is full of little disappointments; there was some of that but it did not ruin the weekend.

tracing lines along my palms

following the trails of wishful thinking like vapor trails across the sky. Wishing like all the Hells that I could just stop.

Knowing that you are in a place where your perceptions, thoughts and feelings are not real is probably one of the loneliest places there is. Because nothing you are experiencing actually matters because none of it is real.

Being the indirect subject of someone’s gossip has me seeing judgement where there may or may not be any. Only it’s so much harder to shut the thoughts down because they were so recently on target. This is why any time the paranoia is right it is so damn dangerous.

It is at times like this where my imagination is a poison.

There upon a wind swept cliff

It’s the music. I found a playlist on Google play titled ‘Sad, Melancholic Classical’ and that is where I found myself this morning. Strings mostly and a lot of pieces in D-minor. Normally classical is not necessarily my jam, but today I didn’t want anything that sounded too busy or hectic; and nothing with words. I am feeling a bit ‘low tide’ as well, so nothing to damn chipper either. The sound brings to mind tragic heroines on the edges of precipices. Fitting.

I’m sort of tired. Sleepy, a little, but more just kind of flagged out, fatigued in my bones. I went to Trivia night with Zed last night, just long enough to remind those folks that I am a real person.

I met DeeDee who had spilled the beans on Zed about his relationship status the night of the big communication ‘debacle’. It could have very well been my imagination but I got the distinct impression that she didn’t care for me much. Admittedly I was also feeling a bit judged. After all aren’t I the “Whore of Babylon” that is leading Zed astray with my evil ethical non monogamist ways? I’m probably being overly sensitive, but right now can’t be helped, still a bundle of raw nerves regarding that group of people.

I had forgotten what it is like to let someone in so close that the things they do actually matter. I mean sure, I let M in. But M isn’t my partner, he is primary to another woman, who I happen to think is one of the most amazing lady’s on the bloody planet btw. Also There is some separation there, though he has also damaged me pretty deeply in the past; but it isn’t quite the same.

There is so much more to process than I’ve had to bother with in a long while, it’s exhausting.

Need a weekend from my weekend

Long weekend here in the states and I did take advantage of it. Sunday I slept in nice and late and met up with Zed around six pm. We had a nice dinner, watched some t.v. and then caught a bus downtown to go dancing.

I definitely drank too much. We danced a lot and grabbed a ride share back to his place. We also had a really vigorous and wonderful romp which left me delightfully stiff the next day. It was an overall great night with limited amounts of brain rubbish. Monday we woke late, and for a change I actually slept decently at Zed’s place. Usually I have trouble as I am not used to sleeping in places that share walls.

Monday we met up with a couple of Zed’s friends GoodA and her husband SG. I enjoy them a lot and GoodA is a very valuable friend for Zed as he can talk to her about anything. After brunch, Zed and GoodA had made ongoing plans so that they could catch up. I found this to be a good idea, as I knew he needed a third party to talk to about all this stuff.

Yet last night as we were messaging each other before bed, he apologized for making plans with me and then making other additional plans without me. ~sigh~ I wasn’t bothered by that at all. It wasn’t at all the same situation as not being invited to a big group outing.

I am getting that sort of paralyzed feeling again. The one where I am afraid to talk about things I feel when they happen for fear of giving bad or misleading associations. I will do my best to not let it shut me down but it is concerning.

All n all I will take the win and be grateful for a reduction in anxiety.