Overwhelmed by activities

Have you ever had so much going on that you wanted to write about that you hit a wall of paralysis? There is so much you want to write, that you find yourself unable to write anything? I am finding myself in that place today as I am typing this.

SO I am going to do my best to encapsulate the past week / weekend and try not to worry too much about how messy my writing this gets. Tuesday night I went to a hockey game with M and his family, it was so much fun! As a bonus on the night I also got in a nice quicky with M before bed.

Wednesday I took some time for mental health. I got quite a bit done, including updating my hair color from that midnight blue with teal tips to an all over turquoise. I am still getting used to it, but I do love it.

Thursday I spent with Zed, we spent most of it fooling around which was awesome. We also started a new series on Netflix, but there was far more chill than Netflix going on. It feels particularly good to have my libido stirring back up. I always feel kind of absent when it dies down.

Friday was a night in doing very little. Saturday was lazy most the day but picked up Zed around 4pm. We ate fast food, drank vodka, watched some more television and had more sex.

Sunday morning more sexy shenanigans before getting ready for our game group coming over at noon. We had a fun one shot game with the gang, including M, our friend HG and his girlfriend. I am always filled with wonderful gratitude having both Zed and M hanging out together. After an hour long nap, not all together. (M and Zed aren’t that close.) We met up with M’s family for a dinner celebrating his eldest’s graduation. I can’t believe so much time has passed already.

Through out dinner, many times I found myself just listening to M and Zed talking, sharing anecdotes, and it filled me with joy. I also had a really nice time talking with Ren, M’s wife who is also a good friend of mine. So much good food and company.

It was such a great night, a great weekend.

Mermaid hair invisibility?

I find it highly interesting the more extreme my hair color becomes the less my coworkers want to look at me. As if somehow I’ve been transformed into a Gorgon that will turn them to stone.

Meanwhile I’ve had strangers from other departments compliment me.

I am still trying to get used to it as well. It is definitely a lot brighter than the midnight & teal I was sporting before.

Legal Blind Intimacy

Legal Blind Intimacy

There is something one really takes for granted when it comes to such activities from flirting to sex; eye contact. It goes without saying right? Glancing over the top of a glass to meet the eyes of the another across the table. Those looks filling the spaces between words. Looking deep into the eyes of your lovers while entwined, breath and gaze holding the world in silent heat.

Only, what if your partner physically cannot meet your gaze?
“Nystagmus is a vision condition in which the eyes make repetitive, uncontrolled movements. These movements often result in reduced vision and depth perception and can affect balance and coordination. These involuntary eye movements can occur from side to side, up and down, or in a circular pattern.” Referenced from Nystagmus The American Optometric Association. Now combine this condition with having no peripheral vision and a moderately severe myopia more commonly known as nearsightedness and friends, this is Zed’s condition.

Initially it is a bit unnerving to look into the eyes of someone whose eyes rarely if ever stop moving. I worried it would cause a disconnect within me not being able to make that kind of contact with him. In actuality it took almost no time at all to get over it. I still stare into those constantly searching orbs and see the man I love behind them. They are the most exquisite deep blue, like dark water but shot through with streaks of paler blue like stars; all set off by his dark hair and pale complexion. They are quite beautiful if not fully functional.

We won’t ever have those lingering gazes across the table. So instead we find other ways. Quite often this involves little touches, holding hands, or simple words and with those things I do not miss the eye contact. In fact I don’t really think about it. Yet now with Zed looking to date outside our relationship this comes to mind.

I hope he can find another woman who can overlook the fact he can’t meet her eyes. One who won’t mind the social queues he will miss due to his inability to read body language or expressions. May he meet a lady who can be generous with her understanding as well as with her body. Because in spite of those things he can’t do, there are so many things he can to make up for it. He is a fine man and so worth it.

WordPress WTF?

I had posted a blog entry called ‘I am used to pain’. I had posted it and it even got a few likes.

Now, it’s been removed from my site and rolled back into ‘draft’ status…. What the serious FUCK ? Not only is it back to draft status, everything I had written with the exception of the first sentence, is gone.

I suspect this has something to do with the bullshit Mobile app for WP, so I am going to remove that today in hopes of avoiding this kind of crap in the future.

The post, well I write in the moment and I no longer remember what exactly I’d said. So unfortunately it’s just gone now thanks to this stupid bug.

The weekend that wasn’t quite

Friday was wonderful, a really great night spent with Zed. We had Indian food for dinner and saw a movie. We also had some really great snuggles and talk.

The bummer started Saturday.
M got sick, so he had to cancel on our dancing date. Zed offered to meet me at the venue, but by that point I had tilted so hard & just wanted to stay home. It was particularly depressing as I had prepaid for tickets and of course they were non refundable or transferable. Oh well. So I stayed home, drank & watched horror movies.

Zed and I had another miscommunication on Saturday. I often ask him to text me when he gets home. Because Zed is visually impaired I tend to worry about him out and about; so I only ask him to tell me so I know he made it home ok. It doesn’t matter what time, I am not keeping tabs on him. However, if he tells me he is leaving soon and 2.5 hours go by without hearing from him it stresses me the fuck out.

The problem is having an expectation without the follow through. I get that he lost track of time, which is why it is just better if he doesn’t set expectations like that. Like I said, when he gets home is irrelevant just that he makes it home safe. So we had a phone call when he got home, but it was actually very positive conversation.

Sunday I only left the house once to pick up my grocery order. Zed and I chatted via text off and on all day and it was really nice. It’s been awhile since our daily chats were so sweet.

So the weekend wasn’t what was planned for but life is full of little disappointments; there was some of that but it did not ruin the weekend.

I can’t relate

I’ve never seen an episode of:
The Bachelor
The Bachelorette
American Idol
Dancing with the Stars
or
Survivor

In fact I haven’t watched cable or network television at home in more than 10 years. (Netflix, Hulu, & Amazon Prime sure)

I couldn’t name one single current top 40 song. I do not listen to the radio. Blue tooth fed music from my phone FTW!

I am sometimes teased by my friends for living in a ‘media cave’. As I am clueless about so much current media. I have actually become more in touch with current events since joining Twitter last April.

My bandwidth for the intake of huge volumes of bad news is not very wide. I already have so many stressors & triggers to jump start my downturns that I just can’t manage much more. Yes, that makes me feel intensely guilty. To steal from Tori Amos, I have enough guilt to start my own religion.

Speaking of religion, I have been inside a church less than a handful of times in over a handful of years. Thankfully I did not catch fire at those times.

I can nod and smile with the best of them but there is just so much I can’t relate too.

Spring is not my Season

Funny how Facebook likes to bring up the past. Seems this same day over the past few years as been simply piss poor on the Bean Brain front. Apparently mid spring just doesn’t look good on me.

I hurt incredibly bad today. Inside, down deep, where no one can see, where all the monsters lurk and children cry in the dark. I suspect this is far more chemical now than earlier in the week’s blues. It has that tang of hormonal upset with a side of bipolar brain cocktail.

Talk about serendipity as I was typing the last sentence of the above paragraph the song ‘The Worst Day Since Yesterday’ by Flogging Molly started to play shuffled up out of my library. HA! The universe has such a fucked up sense of humor.