Thank the universe it is June

May was mad busy and I am still reeling from the activity.  Well that and my stomach has been killing me since yesterday. So I am feeling just kind of overwhelmed even though everything has died down.

I am a bit random brained this morning so things are coming out as is.

I bought a new vehicle after owning my Accord for 8 years.  I did it over memorial day weekend, and I am glad but also sad to have let go of my car. I anthropomorphize things, especially autos. I am working on naming my new one, but such things take time.

I spent the weekend with Zed, we have been together 6 mos now, I can’t believe how fast the time has gone by. I love him and am so glad he is part of my life.

This morning I discover my desk light is burned out and yesterday someone stole the mouse and transmitter off my work lap top.  They stole it right off my desk at work.  So that has me feeling a bit peevish.

I need to figure out what to eat.  I am so hungry, but since my stomach hurts I just don’t know what won’t make it worse.  Such a nuisance.

Listening to the Moth story telling podcast and wishing I could nail down a story to tell about my Pop.  I miss him so much.

 

Avoiding Trivia and things

I have decided that it is just best for me not to go to Tuesday night trivia with Zed.  Or if I do, leave before the actual contest begins. I just can’t seem to nail down a decent coping mechanism for dealing with this activity.  I just end up feeling even more alienated than ever.

I will stick with the monthly Happy Hour gatherings to visit with his friends,  which kind of sucks because I do enjoy their company.  Sometimes I fail, it is simple as that, and it really is OK.  I forgot that for awhile.

 

Strange days and lingering sorrow

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster.  I am trying to settle into my new job’s rhythm and  I like that I am busy but it is taking some getting used too.  I have also not been sleeping terribly well and generally drinking too much; in that I have been having alcohol in some form almost everyday.

My personal life has also been busy, my friend Bee asked me to hangout with her daughter on Monday to help cheer her up with all the hell going on in their lives.  Tuesday I was depressed and exhausted so I stayed home.  I had intended to go to trivia night with Zed, whom I have not seen at all this week, but I was such ill company I couldn’t do it. Wednesday was a late evening meeting to go over details of a convention I am helping with. Thursday I had my day in court over my house appraisal; though I did get to spend some time gaming with Zed.  Today I am going to spend the evening with Zed (finally), but his dad is in town, so no ‘alone’ time. (insert pouty face)

Touching back to the alcohol thing; I realize that my drinking has been a big stumbling block in my attempts at losing this lousy 15 pounds that has been clinging to my ass (basically literally) the past two years.  I am making a deal with myself to quite for awhile as I attempt to get back into better shape. I have taken on a daily workout challenge with M; its a core/thighs/ass routine.  Today was day three, my thighs are killing me. Which hopefully means I’m on the way to killer thighs, ha. I am still counting ‘ye auld calories’ and I ordered a new bathroom scale.

I have been struggling with depression quite a bit this week, and almost had a full blown anxiety attack while waiting to meet with the appraiser about my taxes. I know there was nothing actually be ‘ate up’ over but the fear was almost enough to send me into flight response.  I managed, and got it over with, so a win.  I also got my appraisal adjusted a little, but home sales in my area are just stupid high right now.

This post is kind of long, so what the hell let me add this. I want to try and dress prettier, do something for myself to help boost my self image.  I am definitely drawn to the retro styles, as I am basically hourglass shaped many 40’s and 50’s styles look very nice on me.  I also want to learn to dress up my hair in pin curls or finger waves. Just some things to think about as I work at improving my outlook. I have also got to keep my indigo purple hair as I am still working with the same company albeit in a different role and dept. They do not seem to care one wit what color my hair is.

So things are now smooth, but nor are they particularly rough.  Just life I suppose.  I hope all of you are doing well.

Lows Yesterday

Thursday was not a super bad day, but definitely on the low end of the scale.  The weight of pending unemployment combined with the pressure to get everything wrapped up and mingled with hints of possible future employment, had me feeling pretty damn depressed.  Too much at once, and I could feel it clawing and dragging at my brain. I just wanted to throw my hands in the air and yell, “UNCLE”. However, I did not.  I sorted my day as best I could.

After work, I “forced” myself to the gym, doing a little over an hour mixed cardio, core and strength training.  All which was followed by an almost scalding hot shower. (I am a giant reptile after all, so it felt pretty amazing) I then ambled home where I spent another two hours doing a ‘crap ton’ of put off chores.  Finally my clean clothes for the past two weeks got put away.  Hey just because I am basically a functional person, doesn’t mean I function on all levels. It was a huge win, really.

I am still feeling a little out of sorts this morning.  I do not process ‘endless nervous waiting’, very well. There are three things in the hopper regarding possible future employment, but I have heard nothing. Of course this shit always takes way too much time, so all I can do is wait and see.

So there we are, wait and see; hopefully I won’t have to actually become unemployed at all. That would be nice.

Oh and tonight is egg coloring with M & his family with Zed too!!!  And I meet Zed’s Pop on Saturday. (gulp)

The Fake Weekend

I took Zed out for his birthday Monday and took Tuesday off to spend with him and relax. We had an amazing and majorly decadent ‘all you can eat’ sushi dinner, Zed’s first time! We were full as bloated ticks when we left and wandered over to the electronics store to wander around and walk off some of the sushi coma.  It was fun.

Tuesday started late morning. I took Zed to Bestbuy to spend the money he got from his Dad for his birthday. We then went to a an optometrist so I could help him pick out new frames.  I really enjoyed pawing through the different shapes, colors and styles to help him find something he liked and looked good.  I think we found a great pair of frames, they really accent his beautiful navy and star flecked eyes. Of course he  could care less about that, but I sure liked it. 😀   After that he treated me to a lunch of tasty enchiladas plus chips and queso.

I was full and sleepy after lunch, and I mentioned needing a nap. Zed simply replied, OK. I was kind of surprised, though I am not entirely sure why; he is a very sweet man. I snoozed an hour and then left my love to enjoy the remainder of his day; while I hit the gym and update my resume.

I got a lot done on Tuesday, but it felt so much like a Sunday my week is a little off kilter. I also have a couple of leads for work through my current agency, nothing for sure, but I am putting the feelers out to see.  Maybe I won’t have to actually become unemployed, just start a new gig.  (fingers crossed)

 

Dipping down- here in all of me

My toes touching the edges of the abyss.  I see it yawning before me vast and ink black, a gaping pit and I feel the muscles in my shoulders tense. My calves tauten, and I ache to maintain equilibrium. Perhaps I have been stable too long.

Here, in this non place,  I am so painfully alone. It cuts.  It is not real, but that is what makes it so terrible. It does not have to be in order to feel. I understand why people chase the pharmaceutical dragon, I really do. I realize for some it is the only way, where as for me, it would only be the easy way.  I have never been one to lean toward the road more traveled.  But more over, truth be told the persona altering effects of big Daddy Pharma pulsing through my veins scares the ever loving crap out of me.

I am already too many pieces to deal with new ones born of anti-psychotics or anti-depressants or mood stabilizers; et al. The ever shifting were-cocktails they ply brains with in order to help them. On that note, I have noticed a few new fractions lately, perhaps they are merely old pieces forging together to become something new. I don’t exactly know, I sort of watch like an impartial observer when writing from this side. At least they are not so torn inside as others.

Right now, I feel like the oldest component, but I don’t know if that is true. When I write/think/speak like this it comes off disassociative. I never think of myself that way though, as I do not lose time or memory to the shifts. I think this part is the one pretending it could be core if only I worked like that.  I think that is in part where the loneliness comes from, as this piece of me feels alone in the maelstrom of fractures that is all of me.  A cloud not a column.  A circus without a Ringmaster.

 

Couple ramblings

First thought, I talked with Zed last night ala phone about my reactions and behavior on Tuesday.  My friend M had suggested that I talk with him about that particular coping mechanism persona when I’m calm and rational and I had already intended too. So last night I figured no time like the present.  It was at first uncomfortable as it usually is talking about non active personas but he listened intently and accepted what I had to share.

It continuously impresses me how he intellectually takes in what I say and he responds so thoughtfully; while also admitting he may come to a point where it may be hard for him to take in.  He is cautious as he should be not having had this experience before, but he is open and that is a beautiful uncommon approach; at least for me.

Ok additional thought somewhat unrelated, but relevant.  I have discovered a certain challenge in writing erotica for Zed.  You never realize how vision oriented such compositions really are until you attempt to write for someone visually impaired. I tend to take on a very descriptive style when indulging in composing smut, and I am have to relearn the way I go about it.  I am not complaining, it is just interesting how different it is.

 

Snip, Snip, Snip

and off goes about 2 inches of hair.  It was overdue. It is a cute hair cut, but I always feel a little less sexy with it short.

Plus I’m feeling a little low cycle today anyway.

Hello brain chemistry and a Fuck You too.

I have a date with Zed tonight. Tomorrow I will be off for gaming in another city all weekend.  Lots to be excited about now if only my lame ass brain would cooperate.

It is good to know you are loved more than a game

In my second, and I will say last marriage, there were many times I felt like I took a back seat to my husband at the time’s World of Warcraft addiction.  I even went so far as to try and seduce him sexually, away from the game so that he would pay some attention to me. I can tell you, it never worked, not even once.  Then again why would I have thought it would considering he had pretty much stopped having sex with me by that then anyway.

This left me with sort of a knee jerk reaction when it comes to men and gaming.  A response that basically ‘says’ if I am going to be put in a position where the guy has to decide if he wants to spend time with me or play a game; I will just remove myself from the equation.  Let him play, I’ll see him another day. (or not if it goes on like that long enough) I just can’t handle being rejected for a fantasy world.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a gamer.  I love to play all sorts of games; video, table top, live action role play & even some board games.  I get it, and if there are games I can play with my fella, then I do! But there are a lot of things I can not play; First Person Shooters for example.  I get motion sick, bad. Plus some things that just do not interest me to play.  I also see nothing wrong with video games as long as one does not sacrifice their real world life for them.

So all of this is my lead up to the following situation. Zed is waiting on a new game that he is supposed to receive today.  There was some doubt about its arrival so I told him if he gets notification that the game is not going to arrive, we should hang out. (I am trying to see him twice during the week as I will be out of town all weekend and not have the chance to see him then) So he gets an update that the game will be delivered as originally promised; which he posts happily about on Facebook.

I just immediately assumed that meant he would be spending all night with it, and we would just have the one day this week to spend together.  It was a little disappointing, but nothing catastrophic.  I texted him to confirm that today was off the table. He was completely baffled as to why it would be. In Zed’s mind there was absolutely no reason we couldn’t still hang out and he could play after I left. Yeah, I felt kinda like an ass. (insert laughter at self)  I apologized for assuming.

His response: “Just so we are totally clear, I love you more than Ken and Ryu.  :)”

(Ya he is getting the new Street Fighter)

I over conditioned my hair

This isn’t really about my hair, however, I did over condition it today and now it’s weird, lank and vaguely stringy.

What this is really about is actually a whole lot of nothing.

So I am going to trivia night again with Zed and his friends.  I am immediately struck by the “hey isn’t this an Einstein quote thing”? Something about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome equating to insanity. Eh, I already know sanity is over rated. Besides I’ve never been very good at it.

There is cinnamon mixed in my back up bag of sweetener. So morning coffee is a little extra special today.  Maybe I should take that as a good omen.  Only I think my inner optimist stayed in bed and sent my pessimistic ass out all alone to seizure the day. heh

I am in a muddy brain place, things can definitely go many ways today.  Crossing my fingers.